Hey, Bob.

I recently reconnected with an old friend. It was not all I thought it would be or maybe it was.

We met in college, at a time when even the seeds of what we were going to be were nothing more than little barren things stuck in the ground. We were both so young and I was very foolish. I had been naïve then and I’m not much better now. He was a little bit more complicated. I got caught up in him and so he screwed me up.

It was all supposed to be very simple. He seduced me; I liked it- we keep sleeping together. We did it on and off over three years. I didn’t have other men and as far as I know neither did he. We were simply enjoying each others' bodies and there was nothing more to it. He certainly thought so.

We were never really friends. I suppose sex doesn’t really lend itself to that or in our case it simply never occurred to us to try to be friends. For my part I didn’t find him witty enough and I like funny friends. I want them feisty and glib, vivacious. I appreciate sarcasm and rhetoric, discourse. He was the staid, uptight kind. His debates were already won in his mind. He didn’t believe in discussion for its own sake. Whereas I would flutter from one group to another, he stuck to his cronies. It really shouldn’t have surprised me then when he told he had decided to stop seeing me. He said what we have been doing was wrong. He said he wanted to be straight.

I didn’t know what to feel then. I wasn’t in love with him, not really, but I could eventually develop stronger feelings for him than those I already have. It’ll sound like a campy 80s love song but I really can’t make love out of nothing at all. I felt discarded and I didn’t even know until then that I belonged to him.

Now he’s back. I looked for him. He is still the same-pretending we were nothing more then old friends. Sadly, that may be true.

"there truly is beauty in uncertainty" --dyqa.


quite inspiring actually. its one of those rare times when words like these come exactly when i needed them. thanks.

Silly me

your words hurt. you say them so indiscriminately. in my mind, i see a glimmer of purpose behind them but then again that may just be wishful thinking. maybe, i'm still just hoping that you say these abusive words out of some desire to polish me-to help me; for both our sakes, i hope so. you know, its funny- what you said though. you talked as if you were a better person-someone higher. this is all i can say in reply: pride is a folly none but the gods can indulge. i have never presumed to be better than who i am. on the contrary, i know exactly who i am and where i come from. for that reason, i have tried to make myself better. you on the other hand annihilate my spirit viciously for a minor infraction. one i have no idea i have even committed. i will never love you nor trust ever again.

Like a Thief in the Night

It always hits me like a thief in the night. I never know when and I never know how it starts. It just happens. My heart suddenly lurches and I feel like a cold vise was wrenching it tight. I feel like curling up and I feel the tears coming.

Sometimes I tell myself that I don’t that I really like feeling this but the truth is that I do. When I feel like this I am reminded that I’m alive. In a perverse way it makes me feel like I have a heart; albeit, my heart is breaking but at least I know for sure its there. Its beating and its telling me that the one man I have been waiting for, who will hold me tight at night and will smile that sweet smile at me in morning when he wakes up beside me in the morning, has not yet come.

It reminds me that I am just going through the paces. I am struggling for God-knows-what, just like the rest of the world, knowing full well that behind it all I am living with an empty heart. I am not sure too that he can feel the void, which is funny. Maybe God can fill this void, just like my mother said, but I don’t know yet. Maybe if I finally find him and I realize that I still have an empty heart, maybe then God is truly the answer (my mother is so going to kill me if she reads this).

Where are you? Don’t you hear my heart’s grinding, jarring, death? Will you take it and breathe new life into it or will you ignore me? I’ve been waiting for you. I wait because I know that no matter what I do, my heart will never settle for any substitute.

I’m probably just deluding myself. Maybe I can find somebody and grow to love him too, but I don’t know that, really. My rational brain would not believe that out of the billion people in the world you are not out there, waiting for me; waiting like me. Waiting and slowly walking towards each other until we finally meet and you will call me; and I will answer. So, it’s you.

PS

Of course you can always say, oh it’s you, and then you turn and never look back. But then that’s fine, I probably don’t like you that much either.

marco

When I look at you it’s seeing all my dreams come true;
but also when I look at you, it’s like my heart fills with a coldness that I cannot thaw.

I dread this feeling as much as I cherish it. I relish every moment, every twinge of pain as much as I despise myself for it.

I am an entirely stupid person who thinks that just because I wanted to, I could feel sorry enough for myself that somebody else will feel enough to comfort me and if possible love me.

first

haha first blog post...
nothing much as of yet...